Who do I want to be?

Sometimes I become paralyzed by the idea of my future. It is so uncertain and so immense. At twenty-two years old, I cannot even begin to understand what it feels like to have some sixty or so years of life ahead of me. I cannot even comprehend what it must be like to live that long.

As a recent college graduate, trying to find my way in the world, I spend a lot of time thinking about my future. I think about what my goals are and where I want to end up. I think about the woman that I want to become, what I would like to accomplish with my precious time on this earth. The real truth is, I don’t know, and for someone like me, that is frightening.

I make plans. But how does one plan for a lifetime?

You can’t. It is impossible. Life is but the accumulation of the random decisions you make.

I say this because I believe I have free will. If people can believe in God, then let me have faith in the idea that I can make my own choices and that these independent decisions will determine the life that I ultimately live. I refuse to accept the idea that my life is somehow planned out for me, whether by some superior being or by the cause and effect of physical reactions. Because if either of those is true, why should I bother living the life of a character whose storyline is already written?

But then this is why I am paralyzed. I must take responsibility for the life that I live. This is a huge responsibility, for if it does not end up the way I had hoped, I will only have myself to blame.

I have always dreamt of a huge life for myself, but beyond that I am not sure what it means. I want to be important. I want to make a difference. I just don’t know how.

I am scared that I will end up resenting the decisions I make and the life I create for myself. I feel like the stakes are so high, that I cannot be wrong, but the problem is that I don’t know what is right.

My parents always told me I could do anything I wanted, and to some extent, I honestly think that is true. I just don’t know what will make me feel like I have lived a fulfilling life. Do I want to work in a bank for the rest of my life? Do I want to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company? Do I want to be President of the United States? Do I want to be a mother? Do I want to be a wife? Do I want to live in a cabin in the woods?

It is all so unclear.

I feel selfish and guilty that I spend so much time inside my head because I know that this is a privilege that many people do not have. Most people only have time to concern themselves with how to make it through each day, yet here I am daydreaming about an entire lifetime.

At the same time, I think that this is a universal human experience, to wonder about the future and to fear its uncertainty. I think that in some capacity, there comes a point in every person’s life where they ask themselves, “Who do I want to be?”

The problem is that many of us do not know how to answer this question.

My greatest fear is that my answer will be wrong.

Haters Gonna Hate

 

“Are you even smart enough to work there?”

This is a verbatim question I was asked the other night by a man at a bar who wanted to know where I worked. It was not a joke.

I accomplished every Westchester parent’s dream. I graduated a semester early from college and got a great job in finance. These were my dreams too. I was over school, and I love my new job. The moment I got my job offer was truly the only moment in my life where I ever felt like my hard work had paid off. You would think this would be something I should be proud of, but let me tell you, there are many people who do not agree.

I really don’t know what it is, but either way, I am constantly put in a position to defend myself when the subject of my work comes up. I never knew that being asked the simple question, “Where do you work?” could lead to so many controversial and uncomfortable conversations.

To be honest, at first I was extremely upset by this. I have always carried myself as if I don’t care about anyone’s opinions, but it hurts when people make nasty comments about something you are so proud of. It hurt me even more that these remarks often came from people I considered friends, people who I had known for years and whom I expected would share my happiness with me. It also just felt so wrong to constantly fear being asked anything about my job, knowing how uncomfortable I would feel having no choice but to respond. So I found myself really wondering why people just seem to be so unhappy with me, as if the mere fact that I have a good job is somehow offensive to the rest of the world.

There is the classic male-chauvinist perspective (of which my friend from above was clearly a part) – these men who, even in 2015, are jealous, intimidated, or insecure about the fact that a woman could ever have a better job than them. Because clearly I am a woman, so I could never be smart enough to get a job in finance. I must have done something shady to get it. Or because I am a woman, I must be a real big bitch to have a job like that. Either way, you trying to make me feel bad about where I work is only a reflection of how insecure you are in your manhood. Grow up and get a pair.

Then there are my peers who are still in college, many of whom still do not have jobs yet. I get it – you either don’t understand what I do or you project some sort of snobbishness on me because I have a job and you don’t. It’s not like I run around with a sign on my forehead advertising where I work and rubbing it in everyone’s face, but if you ask me, I am going to give you an answer. If you don’t like it, don’t ask.

The last group of haters is those who are just morally offended by anyone who could ever sell their soul to finance. I will give these people a little more credit because their meanness does not stem completely from personal insecurity, but I work hard just like anyone else. I am in the office by 6am, and I leave no earlier than 6pm. We all have to make a living somehow, so please excuse me for choosing a path where I excel. Maybe everyone is not motivated by money, but I have no shame in admitting that I am.

This may sound like a rant (and honestly part of it is), but what I really want to draw attention to is the fact that if you fall into category one, two, or three – your issues with where I work have nothing to do with me. As my friend would say, this is a “you” problem. I cannot make you feel insecure or unhappy, only you can.

I also realized that about myself. I could sit around and be upset and offended by the remarks I have received and by the judgment that is constantly passed on me, or I could choose to be proud of myself for accomplishing my goals. I am going to choose happiness, so I hope you do too.

And if you don’t, take my mother’s advice: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Women Against Women

 

There is this great Facebook page that has sprung up within the last few months called “Women Against Feminism,” and it has recently gained a lot of attention from different media outlets. Truly everything about it is disturbing and nearly everything about it screams out the reasons why we need feminism, and need it now.

Reading the comments on this Facebook page and seeing the photos uploaded to it honestly frighten me. The page is literally an advertisement for everything that is wrong with organized religion, worldwide education systems, right-wing extremism, and really just society in general. It is a page full of ignorant, biased, closed-minded human beings who do not even understand how ignorant, biased, and closed-minded they are.

I have written about the type of feminism these women seem to be against, and I see how and why they are confused and misinformed. I too, dislike that kind of feminism and think that the term as well as the movement needs to be rebranded. The problem is that the contributors of this page harp on the term “feminist” much more than they do on the content of what that really means. A number of the posts on the page advocate for gender equality but get all caught up on how the definition of feminism does not match the execution of it. Many of the posts contradict one another and create a very unclear message for the group. What is painfully obvious is that it is not “feminism” that these women are against – it is other women. So let us just all get this out in the open.

The women contributing to this page are basically trying to shame women who do not share their same values. They declare all over the page how much they love men. It is you they hate. You, the other women, the “feminists.” You, the slutty girls who sleep around before marriage and want to get abortions. You, the high-powered corporate executives who chose working over being stay-at-home mothers.

These women are against you because you are more than just a stereotype. They are against you because you are not conservative. They are against you because they are intimidated by you. They are against you because they are insecure. They are against you because they do not understand you.

It is not just women contributing to this page though. There are men too, and they fit the same criteria as the women I have described above. They hate women like myself because we scare the shit out of them, and honestly, any man who would look down on me for supporting feminism is an idiot that I want nothing to do with.

I know all the anti-feminists are going to have an uproar over this, but you know who told them to hate me? To hate “feminists”? Men.

Our moral values are based in the Puritanical system of those who first settled America. Even before these pilgrims, all organized religions today were created by men who decided that it was okay for them to sleep around and hold power, but hell no could women do that. God, the ultimate creator, is written about as a man, not a woman. In other words, people are raised to believe that the highest and most supreme power in the world is wielded by none other than a man.

Religions were used as tools to subordinate women, and while this is generally no longer the case in America, it is still very true in other countries around the world. Furthermore, just because women are not forced to be subservient to men here, does not mean that there are not residual effects of the past still in the present. Just take a look at the fact that many conservative women still let the words of some ancient men dictate how they view the world and how they live their lives. Enough said.

This is not to say that there is something wrong with being religious, wanting to be a stay-at-home mother, or saving yourself for marriage. These are all respectable choices, as are being an atheist, choosing to work outside the home, and exploring your sexuality. The point is that women should not demonize one another for choosing different life paths. Instead, we should be promoting feminism as a movement that has allowed women the right to make this choice.

The True Life of a Sorority Girl

As president of my sorority, this weekend I had the pleasure of attending one of its national leadership conferences.

For those of you who did not know, SURPRISE! Believe me, you are not the only ones shocked by this.

When I first told my friends that I had been elected the president of my 200-member sorority, most of them reacted with laughter. I can tell you that it was not something I ever imagined I would find myself doing.

However, once they got over the initial shock of it all, no one was actually that surprised. I had always participated in leadership, and it seemed almost natural that my sorority would be no exception.

Truthfully, I think one of the best things Greek life does for its students is encourage leadership development. There are so many opportunities to get involved, and being on the executive board of any Greek organization is like being on the executive board of a small company. You deal with real money and real problems every single day, and for college-aged students, that is the most valuable life experience you can honestly get.

At this past weekend’s leadership conference, I attended workshops, seminars, and speakers that aimed at teaching us to understand our leadership style and reflect on what it means to be a great leader. We heard from inspiring, accomplished sorority sisters of all ages and from all different walks of life, and the weekend was truly a testament to the empowerment of women. Most people do not get training like this until they are a part of the workforce, but here were over 300 collegiate women, learning how to inspire other women. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before.

I would argue that leading a fraternity or sorority is even more difficult than being president of another collegiate organization. In these other organizations, you are the president there, but then at the end of the day, you get to go home.

I live in my sorority house. My best friends are my constituents, my employees, my consumers, and my sisters. My relationship with the women I lead is much more complex than it is between other leaders and their organizations.

At the age of twenty-one, I am expected to command the respect of a group of highly educated and opinionated young women. I am tasked with leading these women, even though truthfully, I have little more life experience or know-how than the rest of them.

I have dealt with real life-or-death situations. I am legally responsible for whatever happens to these women. I am on-call 24/7, for 365 days. I can assure you that this is a lot more responsibility than most people my age chose to take on.

And that my friends, is the kicker. I CHOOSE TO DO THIS. I do not get paid.

I am a volunteer. In the prime years of my life, I have chosen to take care of 200 women.

I am in no way, shape, or form complaining or patting myself on the back. Being president has not been easy, but every important lesson I have learned since coming to college has been as a leader in my sorority. I am truly honored that these women trust me enough to allow me to make decisions on their behalf. I am so grateful for everything these women have taught me and given me. My sisters are some of the most incredible, inspiring, ambitious women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

I cannot imagine what my life would be like without my sorority. It has honestly made me a better person in every way possible.

While universities and the media love to blame Greek life for all that they think it does wrong, I can attest to the fact that it does a lot of right. I can guarantee you that my sorority has empowered numerous women to be leaders in their communities and will continue to do so for as long as it exists. I heard from many of these women this weekend, and I can assure you that the world is a better place because of their existence.

This is why people like myself volunteer to lead our sororities. We see the value that they bring to women’s lives, and we wish to be a part of that. I truly believe that my life purpose is to empower women, and I would have never discovered this without my sorority.

So say what you will about sorority girls because I am damn proud to be one.

Why do feminists hate feminism?

My father emailed me an article from a couple days ago that ran in The New York Times called “Who is a Feminist Now?” I had heard about the mini-controversy that sparked the article, an interview in which actress Shailene Woodley admitted that she does not identify as a feminist and was then met with serious backlash by women all over media.

Woodley is my age, and much like her, I have written about my reluctance to call myself a feminist as well. I understand exactly what she is talking about, and I felt just as attacked by these critics as I’m sure she did.

The truly meaningful part of Woodley’s interview, which has not received any attention, is what she says immediately after stating that she does not consider herself a feminist:

“My biggest thing is really sisterhood more than feminism. I don’t know how we as women expect men to respect us because we don’t even seem to respect each other. There’s so much jealousy, so much comparison and envy.”

The girl hits the nail on the head. How can we expect to raise ourselves up, when we are also the ones keeping each other down?

I mean how ironic is it that the people criticizing Woodley are not men, but other women. They are also nearly all women above the age of 30. True – women probably care more about such a prominent female actress disassociating from feminism, but does it not speak volumes that those quickest to judge are women themselves? What Woodley says is not wrong. It is accurate. It is not that she does not understand feminism; it is that feminism does not understand her.

These angry, female critics should realize that there is a serious issue with the fact that women of my generation have such a negative connotation associated with the term “feminist.” Whether they would like to admit it or not, it is their faults that we shy away from this term. They taught us the version of feminism that we fear – anger, ugliness, resentment – not the true definition of feminism.

When you look it up in a dictionary, the literal definition of feminism is “the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes.” I do not believe there is a woman out there who would say she does not agree with that idea. What Woodley is pointing out is that we do not associate feminism with that definition. Our generation has been taught a kind of feminism that teaches us to hate men, and ourselves, rather than see them as allies. And like Woodley says, this ‘”raise women to power, take the men away from the power’” type of feminism is not going to work, for it goes exactly against the true definition of feminism, which calls for the equality of both sexes.

Maybe feminism needs a new name, but either way, it certainly needs to be rewritten. We need to be united as women before we can ever hope to become social, political, and economic equals with men. We also need the support of our men. The new feminism, the feminism of my generation, what I would call modern feminism, needs to be one of love, respect, and acceptance, not this antiquated version of “man-hating, bra-burning” feminism.

Stop telling us we did not live through enough oppression to understand the need for feminism. We understand. We are telling you that we do not want your feminism. Our society has progressed, and feminism needs to progress with it.

How to Win a Guy in 10 Ways

 

Hello friends and readers! Sorry for the month-long hiatus…but I’m back! In honor of the start of summer (mine at least), I thought I would write something more lighthearted than my usual posts.

As a girl who has had a series of serious relationships as well as many guy friends, I am often asked how I get guys to like me…and it is not because I am outlandishly beautiful. Living in LA, surrounded by troves of stunning women, you’ve gotta have a little more going on for you than just your looks if you want to get a guy in this town.

So here are my tips in no particular order. Take ‘em or leave ‘em.

1. Don’t take yourself too seriously. No one likes people who can’t laugh at themselves. Guys tease each other all the time, and whether you want to be friends or lovers, you need to be able to take their jokes and dish them right back.
2. Know your worth. My absolute biggest pet peeve is women who victimize themselves because this guy was rude to them or uninterested in them. I firmly believe that this is one of the main reasons men still dominate our society. First of all, if a man is ever rude to you, stand the fuck up for yourself and do not let him walk all over you. But most importantly, just forget him. If some asshole does not like you for whatever reason, you are only giving him more power by allowing his actions to upset you. Be a big girl, buck up, and move on. Jay-Z said it best…”on to the next one!” If you know what you’re worth, you will know that this guy does not deserve a second of your attention.
3. Accept that boys will be boys. Now, this whole concept may be socially constructed or what have you, but at the end of the day there is truth to the statement that boys will be boys. In other words, they may do things that you, as a woman, would never do, but if you like them enough that you would like to spend time with them, just accept that they are the way they are. And don’t try to change them…it’s a waste of time and won’t work.
4. Use your words. This one sounds easy, but it is the killer of many a relationship and friendship. If you did not say it, they do not know it. No one can read minds, so don’t expect guys to know exactly what you’re thinking all the time. If you want something, say something.
5. Be honest about who you are. This is a fancy way of saying, “just be yourself.” You don’t have to lie and pretend you know everything about the Giants or Assassin’s Creed. You also don’t need to pretend you’re dumb and ditzy (please don’t). I’m serious. Not only will they probably figure out you’re a fraud at some point, but if this dude is worth your time, he will also appreciate your honesty because he is interested in what you bring to the table.
6. Act friendly. Awkwardness is a psychological creation. If you don’t act awkward, it isn’t awkward. Smile, talk, laugh, make a weird noise – just don’t be silent and strange.
7. Assert yourself. Don’t be afraid to go for what you want. This is not the 18^th century. Don’t wait around for him to call you or text you or ask you out. Just be an independent woman and do it yourself. Show him you are equals and not just some wimpy girl.
8. Open up. This applies to any relationship, male or female. When you share a little something personal, it makes the other person feel like you trust them. And in turn, it makes them trust you.
9. Stay classy. People want to be in relationships with those who make them better. Trashy girls can be fun for a little while, but no one wants to hang around for too long with someone who’s a complete mess. I certainly do not want to be with a man who embarrasses me, so don’t be the kind of girl that this guy is embarrassed to be seen with.
10. Make your expectations clear – to him and to yourself. Expectations include what kind of relationship you want, what you want out of this relationship, what you need for this relationship to work, and what you can or cannot live without. There are always deal-breakers, and that is okay. Just make sure you know what these are for yourself, and communicate them to the men you surround yourself with.

 

(Disclaimer: I am a heterosexual woman, so these tips are aimed at other heterosexual people. I don’t mean to discriminate! I just write what I know!)

 

 

 

Money is Power…and Apparently Speech Too

 

Last week the Supreme Court ruled that individual Americans can now blow unlimited amounts of money on federal campaign contributions that elect officials who do absolutely nothing.

The problem with this decision is not purely the fact that it facilitates unequal opportunities for the average American to participate in politics, but it also signifies to the world that our nation cares more about living by its lofty principles than living by common sense.

The court argued that donating money is a form of free speech and thus cannot be restricted, despite the fact that money and speech are not equal forms of free expression. Everyone can speak. Not everyone can donate thousands or millions of dollars to influence politics. I can assure you the founding fathers did not foresee this interpretation of the First Amendment.

It is the classic battle between America’s two favorite words, freedom and equality. The difference between these lofty ideals is that unlimited freedom opens the door to anarchy whereas unlimited equality opens the door to…well maybe the America we all wish we lived in.

Regardless, the Supreme Court has decided that unlimited freedom is somehow more important than equal opportunity. The issue here is that if we allow the wealthy to spend unlimited amounts of money on campaign donations, to candidates who will supposedly create policy for all Americans, we are inherently creating an unequal opportunity for the average American to influence politics. Instead of our elected officials controlling our government, it will be the wealthy Americans who put these officials in office.

It also makes absolutely no sense for Americans to be spending billions of dollars on federal campaigns, especially when this money has gone to elect the most partisan Congress since the Civil War and the most ineffective administration in my lifetime. These spiteful creatures do not deserve a single dime of our money when they are unable and unwilling to pass a single piece of legislation.

Furthermore, it is almost comical to think that a country that is trillions of dollars in debt has decided that one of the best uses of its money is to elect officials who would exist regardless of this money. Imagine if we put the billions of dollars spent on campaigns toward paying down our debt, instead of spending it on elections for the very officials who put us in this debt.

There is no logical reason for allowing these absurd amounts of money to be spent on campaigns, except to say that on principle, we cannot allow any regulation that restricts our freedom. But take this to its extreme, and we should not be able to restrict anything. Let us just bend the words of the Constitution to suit all our fancies, say that all acts of life are expressions of our free speech, and let us live in a world with no limits on anything. The implications of this case go far beyond campaign finance; they signify that America would rather be a country of principle instead of one of practicality.

America should not just cap election donations, but it should completely do away with such funding. Instead, we should move toward the type of elections held in Europe, where the government gives each candidate the same amount of money to spend on a campaign that can only last a few weeks prior to the election. It keeps the focus of the election on the issues and policies, rather than the nonsense that comes up during American elections. Most importantly, it creates an equal playing field for all candidates and all voters. Taxpayers finance the campaigns, so everyone is contributing and no one entity has more influence than another.

Alas, this type of campaign finance reform is probably far off if not impossible to imagine ever coming to fruition in America, especially in our current state of affairs. Instead, we will just continue to live as one nation, under the one percent, with liberty and injustice for all.

Hope for Afghanistan’s Women

In a conservative, Islamic nation like Afghanistan, it is beautiful to see the progress women have made in such a short time period. Since the end of its Taliban regime in 2001, women have gained greater access to education, employment opportunities, and most importantly political power. With Afghan laws now reserving quotas for female seats in the country’s parliament and provincial councils, political participation by women has soared in just twelve short years, with roughly 40% of the votes in the past two elections cast by women.

This Saturday, the nation will choose a new president, one of whose running mate is a woman and another whose wife has taken an active role in campaigning with him. Furthermore, all three presidential candidates have vowed to uphold women’s rights as part of their platforms. This is truly amazing when you realize that a little over a decade ago women were not even allowed to work outside of the home in Afghanistan, and now they are full, participating members of their nation’s democracy.

Of course, the country still has a long way to go before its women truly have equal rights. In more rural areas, many women are still banned from leaving the home without a male companion. Furthermore, women are still largely outnumbered in Afghanistan’s political process, not that this is any different in most other countries.

With the political climate the way it is, it will also be interesting to see whether the nation will not only be able to maintain its stability, but whether its leaders will actually be able to maintain democratic power. Going along with this will be whether or not the nation will be able to maintain the strides it has made in securing more rights for its women.

However, now that these ladies know what it’s like to live in a world with rights, there is no chance that they will give them up without a fight.

Where There Is Never A Line for the Women’s Restroom

Where is the one place where there is never a line for the women’s restroom?

 A financial office building.

Like I touched on in my previous post about the gender wage gap, women are grossly underrepresented in top leadership positions in all fields, and one that is close to my heart is the financial sector.

I work in finance, a largely male-dominated industry, and in both offices where I have worked there were barely any women. The only women that do actually work in these offices are the secretaries or sales assistants, very few were bankers or stock brokers. And let me tell you, there was never a line for the women’s bathroom at either of these joints.

It is unclear to me why so few women work in finance. The obvious answer would be that many women opt for different types of work because of their desire to have children. Finance is well known for its long hours, both in and out of the office, especially in your first few years in the business. It is also well known for not being flexible about its hours, which is not exactly ideal for women in their twenties and thirties who want to have a child. However, this cannot account for the entire discrepancy.

The funny thing is, women have historically performed better than men when it comes to finance. Studies have shown that companies with women on their boards of directors and women who invest money perform better than their all-male counterparts. A recent study by Rothstein Kass, for instance, found that hedge funds run by women outperformed a broad index of hedge funds, which is not so surprising when “numerous studies have shown that women take less risk, do more diligent research, suffer less from overconfidence, trade less frequently and are quicker to admit mistakes.” Yet men still significantly outnumber women in this industry.

A managing partner at the hedge fund Kase Capital Management, Whitney Tilson, notes that “if women are, in general, better suited to be successful investors, then this is a strange market inefficiency.” The real question then is how to get women more interested in working in the financial sector. This has serious implications because financial dependency is one of the main reasons that women have continued to be subordinated by men for so long. Furthermore, there will never be any hope for closing the gender pay gap when women continue to be underrepresented in industries that pay the most and leadership roles that control compensation.

Truthfully, I am not exactly sure what is the right solution. As fellow blogger Alexa Liacko writes, “this issue of missing women in leadership roles is a deeply intertwined product of social conditioning and “feminism” aversion that will take years to undo.” What is apparent is that we need to figure out how to motivate women from a young age to be interested in industries like finance. After all, it would be refreshing to not always be the only person in the office wearing high heels.

I’m Bossy

 

Sheryl Sandberg’s new “Ban Bossy” campaign, sponsored by Lean In and Girl Scouts of America, has garnered much attention on social media within the last week. Many women are criticizing the campaign saying that instead of encouraging the expansion of women’s abilities and rights, the campaign is another example of women causing negativity to be associated with feminism.

The word “ban” has a negative connotation as it is. To associate this negative term with a feminist campaign perpetuates the idea that feminism is a negative concept, when it should be a positive one. Furthermore, it seems almost petty, and honestly ineffective, to have a campaign that centers around banning a single word in the English language. While it is probably true that more women than men are called “bossy,” I am not sure whether the word is so offensive and gendered that we need to “ban” it. Furthermore, the true issue here is not the word itself but the way in which society still perceives women. Banning a word will not bring about a change in societal perceptions.

Of course, the entire campaign is not only trying to get rid of the word “bossy.” Its true intent is to encourage and foster female leadership. However, if that is the central cause, Sandberg should reconsider the name of this campaign. There is no doubt that our society often refers to powerful women using negative terms, which is what Sandberg is trying to combat. The issue is that using another negative term to dissuade society from referring to female leaders in a negative way only continues the negativity.

I feel Sandberg’s pain. As an assertive female myself, I have often been criticized for my behavior being “unladylike” or “masculine.” I have just always had the same attitude as Kelis in her song “Bossy”: “You don’t have to love me/ You don’t even have to like me/ But you will respect me/ You know why? / Cause I’m a boss.” The truly messed up part of the whole situation is the fact that it is always other women who have called me out for this and have classified strength and assertiveness as male qualities, not female ones. This is the real problem with our society, the fact that women themselves stigmatize those women who show any signs of leadership.

Sandberg’s heart is in the right place. She just isn’t going about this the right way. To empower women to be leaders, we need to encourage each other to use positive terminology when referring to one another, not simply discourage the use of negative terminology. We need to tell girls that it is okay to be aggressive and powerful and that these are not gendered qualities – because we all need a few more sassy sisters ruling the world.