Who do I want to be?

Sometimes I become paralyzed by the idea of my future. It is so uncertain and so immense. At twenty-two years old, I cannot even begin to understand what it feels like to have some sixty or so years of life ahead of me. I cannot even comprehend what it must be like to live that long.

As a recent college graduate, trying to find my way in the world, I spend a lot of time thinking about my future. I think about what my goals are and where I want to end up. I think about the woman that I want to become, what I would like to accomplish with my precious time on this earth. The real truth is, I don’t know, and for someone like me, that is frightening.

I make plans. But how does one plan for a lifetime?

You can’t. It is impossible. Life is but the accumulation of the random decisions you make.

I say this because I believe I have free will. If people can believe in God, then let me have faith in the idea that I can make my own choices and that these independent decisions will determine the life that I ultimately live. I refuse to accept the idea that my life is somehow planned out for me, whether by some superior being or by the cause and effect of physical reactions. Because if either of those is true, why should I bother living the life of a character whose storyline is already written?

But then this is why I am paralyzed. I must take responsibility for the life that I live. This is a huge responsibility, for if it does not end up the way I had hoped, I will only have myself to blame.

I have always dreamt of a huge life for myself, but beyond that I am not sure what it means. I want to be important. I want to make a difference. I just don’t know how.

I am scared that I will end up resenting the decisions I make and the life I create for myself. I feel like the stakes are so high, that I cannot be wrong, but the problem is that I don’t know what is right.

My parents always told me I could do anything I wanted, and to some extent, I honestly think that is true. I just don’t know what will make me feel like I have lived a fulfilling life. Do I want to work in a bank for the rest of my life? Do I want to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company? Do I want to be President of the United States? Do I want to be a mother? Do I want to be a wife? Do I want to live in a cabin in the woods?

It is all so unclear.

I feel selfish and guilty that I spend so much time inside my head because I know that this is a privilege that many people do not have. Most people only have time to concern themselves with how to make it through each day, yet here I am daydreaming about an entire lifetime.

At the same time, I think that this is a universal human experience, to wonder about the future and to fear its uncertainty. I think that in some capacity, there comes a point in every person’s life where they ask themselves, “Who do I want to be?”

The problem is that many of us do not know how to answer this question.

My greatest fear is that my answer will be wrong.

Haters Gonna Hate

 

“Are you even smart enough to work there?”

This is a verbatim question I was asked the other night by a man at a bar who wanted to know where I worked. It was not a joke.

I accomplished every Westchester parent’s dream. I graduated a semester early from college and got a great job in finance. These were my dreams too. I was over school, and I love my new job. The moment I got my job offer was truly the only moment in my life where I ever felt like my hard work had paid off. You would think this would be something I should be proud of, but let me tell you, there are many people who do not agree.

I really don’t know what it is, but either way, I am constantly put in a position to defend myself when the subject of my work comes up. I never knew that being asked the simple question, “Where do you work?” could lead to so many controversial and uncomfortable conversations.

To be honest, at first I was extremely upset by this. I have always carried myself as if I don’t care about anyone’s opinions, but it hurts when people make nasty comments about something you are so proud of. It hurt me even more that these remarks often came from people I considered friends, people who I had known for years and whom I expected would share my happiness with me. It also just felt so wrong to constantly fear being asked anything about my job, knowing how uncomfortable I would feel having no choice but to respond. So I found myself really wondering why people just seem to be so unhappy with me, as if the mere fact that I have a good job is somehow offensive to the rest of the world.

There is the classic male-chauvinist perspective (of which my friend from above was clearly a part) – these men who, even in 2015, are jealous, intimidated, or insecure about the fact that a woman could ever have a better job than them. Because clearly I am a woman, so I could never be smart enough to get a job in finance. I must have done something shady to get it. Or because I am a woman, I must be a real big bitch to have a job like that. Either way, you trying to make me feel bad about where I work is only a reflection of how insecure you are in your manhood. Grow up and get a pair.

Then there are my peers who are still in college, many of whom still do not have jobs yet. I get it – you either don’t understand what I do or you project some sort of snobbishness on me because I have a job and you don’t. It’s not like I run around with a sign on my forehead advertising where I work and rubbing it in everyone’s face, but if you ask me, I am going to give you an answer. If you don’t like it, don’t ask.

The last group of haters is those who are just morally offended by anyone who could ever sell their soul to finance. I will give these people a little more credit because their meanness does not stem completely from personal insecurity, but I work hard just like anyone else. I am in the office by 6am, and I leave no earlier than 6pm. We all have to make a living somehow, so please excuse me for choosing a path where I excel. Maybe everyone is not motivated by money, but I have no shame in admitting that I am.

This may sound like a rant (and honestly part of it is), but what I really want to draw attention to is the fact that if you fall into category one, two, or three – your issues with where I work have nothing to do with me. As my friend would say, this is a “you” problem. I cannot make you feel insecure or unhappy, only you can.

I also realized that about myself. I could sit around and be upset and offended by the remarks I have received and by the judgment that is constantly passed on me, or I could choose to be proud of myself for accomplishing my goals. I am going to choose happiness, so I hope you do too.

And if you don’t, take my mother’s advice: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Women Against Women

 

There is this great Facebook page that has sprung up within the last few months called “Women Against Feminism,” and it has recently gained a lot of attention from different media outlets. Truly everything about it is disturbing and nearly everything about it screams out the reasons why we need feminism, and need it now.

Reading the comments on this Facebook page and seeing the photos uploaded to it honestly frighten me. The page is literally an advertisement for everything that is wrong with organized religion, worldwide education systems, right-wing extremism, and really just society in general. It is a page full of ignorant, biased, closed-minded human beings who do not even understand how ignorant, biased, and closed-minded they are.

I have written about the type of feminism these women seem to be against, and I see how and why they are confused and misinformed. I too, dislike that kind of feminism and think that the term as well as the movement needs to be rebranded. The problem is that the contributors of this page harp on the term “feminist” much more than they do on the content of what that really means. A number of the posts on the page advocate for gender equality but get all caught up on how the definition of feminism does not match the execution of it. Many of the posts contradict one another and create a very unclear message for the group. What is painfully obvious is that it is not “feminism” that these women are against – it is other women. So let us just all get this out in the open.

The women contributing to this page are basically trying to shame women who do not share their same values. They declare all over the page how much they love men. It is you they hate. You, the other women, the “feminists.” You, the slutty girls who sleep around before marriage and want to get abortions. You, the high-powered corporate executives who chose working over being stay-at-home mothers.

These women are against you because you are more than just a stereotype. They are against you because you are not conservative. They are against you because they are intimidated by you. They are against you because they are insecure. They are against you because they do not understand you.

It is not just women contributing to this page though. There are men too, and they fit the same criteria as the women I have described above. They hate women like myself because we scare the shit out of them, and honestly, any man who would look down on me for supporting feminism is an idiot that I want nothing to do with.

I know all the anti-feminists are going to have an uproar over this, but you know who told them to hate me? To hate “feminists”? Men.

Our moral values are based in the Puritanical system of those who first settled America. Even before these pilgrims, all organized religions today were created by men who decided that it was okay for them to sleep around and hold power, but hell no could women do that. God, the ultimate creator, is written about as a man, not a woman. In other words, people are raised to believe that the highest and most supreme power in the world is wielded by none other than a man.

Religions were used as tools to subordinate women, and while this is generally no longer the case in America, it is still very true in other countries around the world. Furthermore, just because women are not forced to be subservient to men here, does not mean that there are not residual effects of the past still in the present. Just take a look at the fact that many conservative women still let the words of some ancient men dictate how they view the world and how they live their lives. Enough said.

This is not to say that there is something wrong with being religious, wanting to be a stay-at-home mother, or saving yourself for marriage. These are all respectable choices, as are being an atheist, choosing to work outside the home, and exploring your sexuality. The point is that women should not demonize one another for choosing different life paths. Instead, we should be promoting feminism as a movement that has allowed women the right to make this choice.

The True Life of a Sorority Girl

As president of my sorority, this weekend I had the pleasure of attending one of its national leadership conferences.

For those of you who did not know, SURPRISE! Believe me, you are not the only ones shocked by this.

When I first told my friends that I had been elected the president of my 200-member sorority, most of them reacted with laughter. I can tell you that it was not something I ever imagined I would find myself doing.

However, once they got over the initial shock of it all, no one was actually that surprised. I had always participated in leadership, and it seemed almost natural that my sorority would be no exception.

Truthfully, I think one of the best things Greek life does for its students is encourage leadership development. There are so many opportunities to get involved, and being on the executive board of any Greek organization is like being on the executive board of a small company. You deal with real money and real problems every single day, and for college-aged students, that is the most valuable life experience you can honestly get.

At this past weekend’s leadership conference, I attended workshops, seminars, and speakers that aimed at teaching us to understand our leadership style and reflect on what it means to be a great leader. We heard from inspiring, accomplished sorority sisters of all ages and from all different walks of life, and the weekend was truly a testament to the empowerment of women. Most people do not get training like this until they are a part of the workforce, but here were over 300 collegiate women, learning how to inspire other women. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before.

I would argue that leading a fraternity or sorority is even more difficult than being president of another collegiate organization. In these other organizations, you are the president there, but then at the end of the day, you get to go home.

I live in my sorority house. My best friends are my constituents, my employees, my consumers, and my sisters. My relationship with the women I lead is much more complex than it is between other leaders and their organizations.

At the age of twenty-one, I am expected to command the respect of a group of highly educated and opinionated young women. I am tasked with leading these women, even though truthfully, I have little more life experience or know-how than the rest of them.

I have dealt with real life-or-death situations. I am legally responsible for whatever happens to these women. I am on-call 24/7, for 365 days. I can assure you that this is a lot more responsibility than most people my age chose to take on.

And that my friends, is the kicker. I CHOOSE TO DO THIS. I do not get paid.

I am a volunteer. In the prime years of my life, I have chosen to take care of 200 women.

I am in no way, shape, or form complaining or patting myself on the back. Being president has not been easy, but every important lesson I have learned since coming to college has been as a leader in my sorority. I am truly honored that these women trust me enough to allow me to make decisions on their behalf. I am so grateful for everything these women have taught me and given me. My sisters are some of the most incredible, inspiring, ambitious women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

I cannot imagine what my life would be like without my sorority. It has honestly made me a better person in every way possible.

While universities and the media love to blame Greek life for all that they think it does wrong, I can attest to the fact that it does a lot of right. I can guarantee you that my sorority has empowered numerous women to be leaders in their communities and will continue to do so for as long as it exists. I heard from many of these women this weekend, and I can assure you that the world is a better place because of their existence.

This is why people like myself volunteer to lead our sororities. We see the value that they bring to women’s lives, and we wish to be a part of that. I truly believe that my life purpose is to empower women, and I would have never discovered this without my sorority.

So say what you will about sorority girls because I am damn proud to be one.

Why do feminists hate feminism?

My father emailed me an article from a couple days ago that ran in The New York Times called “Who is a Feminist Now?” I had heard about the mini-controversy that sparked the article, an interview in which actress Shailene Woodley admitted that she does not identify as a feminist and was then met with serious backlash by women all over media.

Woodley is my age, and much like her, I have written about my reluctance to call myself a feminist as well. I understand exactly what she is talking about, and I felt just as attacked by these critics as I’m sure she did.

The truly meaningful part of Woodley’s interview, which has not received any attention, is what she says immediately after stating that she does not consider herself a feminist:

“My biggest thing is really sisterhood more than feminism. I don’t know how we as women expect men to respect us because we don’t even seem to respect each other. There’s so much jealousy, so much comparison and envy.”

The girl hits the nail on the head. How can we expect to raise ourselves up, when we are also the ones keeping each other down?

I mean how ironic is it that the people criticizing Woodley are not men, but other women. They are also nearly all women above the age of 30. True – women probably care more about such a prominent female actress disassociating from feminism, but does it not speak volumes that those quickest to judge are women themselves? What Woodley says is not wrong. It is accurate. It is not that she does not understand feminism; it is that feminism does not understand her.

These angry, female critics should realize that there is a serious issue with the fact that women of my generation have such a negative connotation associated with the term “feminist.” Whether they would like to admit it or not, it is their faults that we shy away from this term. They taught us the version of feminism that we fear – anger, ugliness, resentment – not the true definition of feminism.

When you look it up in a dictionary, the literal definition of feminism is “the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes.” I do not believe there is a woman out there who would say she does not agree with that idea. What Woodley is pointing out is that we do not associate feminism with that definition. Our generation has been taught a kind of feminism that teaches us to hate men, and ourselves, rather than see them as allies. And like Woodley says, this ‘”raise women to power, take the men away from the power’” type of feminism is not going to work, for it goes exactly against the true definition of feminism, which calls for the equality of both sexes.

Maybe feminism needs a new name, but either way, it certainly needs to be rewritten. We need to be united as women before we can ever hope to become social, political, and economic equals with men. We also need the support of our men. The new feminism, the feminism of my generation, what I would call modern feminism, needs to be one of love, respect, and acceptance, not this antiquated version of “man-hating, bra-burning” feminism.

Stop telling us we did not live through enough oppression to understand the need for feminism. We understand. We are telling you that we do not want your feminism. Our society has progressed, and feminism needs to progress with it.

How to Win a Guy in 10 Ways

 

Hello friends and readers! Sorry for the month-long hiatus…but I’m back! In honor of the start of summer (mine at least), I thought I would write something more lighthearted than my usual posts.

As a girl who has had a series of serious relationships as well as many guy friends, I am often asked how I get guys to like me…and it is not because I am outlandishly beautiful. Living in LA, surrounded by troves of stunning women, you’ve gotta have a little more going on for you than just your looks if you want to get a guy in this town.

So here are my tips in no particular order. Take ‘em or leave ‘em.

1. Don’t take yourself too seriously. No one likes people who can’t laugh at themselves. Guys tease each other all the time, and whether you want to be friends or lovers, you need to be able to take their jokes and dish them right back.
2. Know your worth. My absolute biggest pet peeve is women who victimize themselves because this guy was rude to them or uninterested in them. I firmly believe that this is one of the main reasons men still dominate our society. First of all, if a man is ever rude to you, stand the fuck up for yourself and do not let him walk all over you. But most importantly, just forget him. If some asshole does not like you for whatever reason, you are only giving him more power by allowing his actions to upset you. Be a big girl, buck up, and move on. Jay-Z said it best…”on to the next one!” If you know what you’re worth, you will know that this guy does not deserve a second of your attention.
3. Accept that boys will be boys. Now, this whole concept may be socially constructed or what have you, but at the end of the day there is truth to the statement that boys will be boys. In other words, they may do things that you, as a woman, would never do, but if you like them enough that you would like to spend time with them, just accept that they are the way they are. And don’t try to change them…it’s a waste of time and won’t work.
4. Use your words. This one sounds easy, but it is the killer of many a relationship and friendship. If you did not say it, they do not know it. No one can read minds, so don’t expect guys to know exactly what you’re thinking all the time. If you want something, say something.
5. Be honest about who you are. This is a fancy way of saying, “just be yourself.” You don’t have to lie and pretend you know everything about the Giants or Assassin’s Creed. You also don’t need to pretend you’re dumb and ditzy (please don’t). I’m serious. Not only will they probably figure out you’re a fraud at some point, but if this dude is worth your time, he will also appreciate your honesty because he is interested in what you bring to the table.
6. Act friendly. Awkwardness is a psychological creation. If you don’t act awkward, it isn’t awkward. Smile, talk, laugh, make a weird noise – just don’t be silent and strange.
7. Assert yourself. Don’t be afraid to go for what you want. This is not the 18^th century. Don’t wait around for him to call you or text you or ask you out. Just be an independent woman and do it yourself. Show him you are equals and not just some wimpy girl.
8. Open up. This applies to any relationship, male or female. When you share a little something personal, it makes the other person feel like you trust them. And in turn, it makes them trust you.
9. Stay classy. People want to be in relationships with those who make them better. Trashy girls can be fun for a little while, but no one wants to hang around for too long with someone who’s a complete mess. I certainly do not want to be with a man who embarrasses me, so don’t be the kind of girl that this guy is embarrassed to be seen with.
10. Make your expectations clear – to him and to yourself. Expectations include what kind of relationship you want, what you want out of this relationship, what you need for this relationship to work, and what you can or cannot live without. There are always deal-breakers, and that is okay. Just make sure you know what these are for yourself, and communicate them to the men you surround yourself with.

 

(Disclaimer: I am a heterosexual woman, so these tips are aimed at other heterosexual people. I don’t mean to discriminate! I just write what I know!)