Who do I want to be?

Sometimes I become paralyzed by the idea of my future. It is so uncertain and so immense. At twenty-two years old, I cannot even begin to understand what it feels like to have some sixty or so years of life ahead of me. I cannot even comprehend what it must be like to live that long.

As a recent college graduate, trying to find my way in the world, I spend a lot of time thinking about my future. I think about what my goals are and where I want to end up. I think about the woman that I want to become, what I would like to accomplish with my precious time on this earth. The real truth is, I don’t know, and for someone like me, that is frightening.

I make plans. But how does one plan for a lifetime?

You can’t. It is impossible. Life is but the accumulation of the random decisions you make.

I say this because I believe I have free will. If people can believe in God, then let me have faith in the idea that I can make my own choices and that these independent decisions will determine the life that I ultimately live. I refuse to accept the idea that my life is somehow planned out for me, whether by some superior being or by the cause and effect of physical reactions. Because if either of those is true, why should I bother living the life of a character whose storyline is already written?

But then this is why I am paralyzed. I must take responsibility for the life that I live. This is a huge responsibility, for if it does not end up the way I had hoped, I will only have myself to blame.

I have always dreamt of a huge life for myself, but beyond that I am not sure what it means. I want to be important. I want to make a difference. I just don’t know how.

I am scared that I will end up resenting the decisions I make and the life I create for myself. I feel like the stakes are so high, that I cannot be wrong, but the problem is that I don’t know what is right.

My parents always told me I could do anything I wanted, and to some extent, I honestly think that is true. I just don’t know what will make me feel like I have lived a fulfilling life. Do I want to work in a bank for the rest of my life? Do I want to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company? Do I want to be President of the United States? Do I want to be a mother? Do I want to be a wife? Do I want to live in a cabin in the woods?

It is all so unclear.

I feel selfish and guilty that I spend so much time inside my head because I know that this is a privilege that many people do not have. Most people only have time to concern themselves with how to make it through each day, yet here I am daydreaming about an entire lifetime.

At the same time, I think that this is a universal human experience, to wonder about the future and to fear its uncertainty. I think that in some capacity, there comes a point in every person’s life where they ask themselves, “Who do I want to be?”

The problem is that many of us do not know how to answer this question.

My greatest fear is that my answer will be wrong.